falling backward

Bloody hope.

2008-12-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

"...few of us enter the tragedy of living in a fallen world and simultaneously struggle with God until our hearts bleed with hope. We either give into pain with a hopeless cynicism, or we settle for an artificial resolution that insists that things really aren't too bad and we need not muck around in the "negatives" of life." -The Healing Path by Dan Allendar, p. 5

Every once in awhile I will read something that resonates so deeply with my own life experience that my heart cannot help but be changed. I feel understood when words can be wrapped around what my heart is feeling. To feel understood is to feel known.

Usually feeling known is a source of great joy for me. It's something that happens rarely in my life, thus I deeply long for it. Lately, however, the affects of feeling known have been deeply painful. I'm going through something right now that I don't really feel very understood in. To read Dan Allendar's words encourages me that I'm not completely alone in it. I'm experiencing first-hand that life is full of disappointment. Sometimes God chooses to allow us to experience pain and suffering. Sometimes he doesn't step in when we cry out for Him. Often times life throws us curve balls that we aren't expecting, and the result can be tragically painful. In times when we dare to hope--for healing, or change, or resolution, or reconciliation--we can be left with a feeling of emptiness far deeper than when we first began. In times like this, to continue to bleed with hope feels nothing but foolish. My alternate path to hope tends to be the one of cynicism--I sort of give up on my good feelings and get comfortable in my let downs. But I also know a lot of people who choose an artificial resolution. You all know one (maybe you are one). The person who never has a bad day... who forces the positive out of every drop of life. The problem with both alternatives to real hope is that they either rob us of true joy or deny the reality of pain. Both are cheap imitations.

Hope is painful. It aches. It longs. It desires. It waits.

I don't understand it and I am miserable in it right now. I'm finding myself exhausted as I, for once in my life, am fighting to stay on the true path of hope. How easy it would be to resign to the dismal conclusion that this is as good as God gets. But the easy way is rarely the right way. I don't understand it and I don't like it very much. It doesn't make sense, and it hurts more than the wounds themselves. But because I long for more than this, I let my heart bleed.

...but I'm hurting in this safe place.

2008-09-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel so dumb.

"Am I really here... again?" I wonder.

"When will I learn? What will it take? This hurts so much. I do not want to feel this. Not now. Not ever again. How do I keep ending up back here? I feel so foolish."

Sin causes my heart to ache. It doesn't matter what kind of sin it is. My heart feels empty, alone, shattered, lost. And I would do anything to not feel those things. At some point in life I learned that if I can stop feeling, my sin won't matter--mine or anyone else's. If I am hard, I won't hurt.

Such is my battle. I battle for my feelings. I won't deny that at times I'd rather reverse the process... go back to the numbness. It gets harder to embrace my heart within me and move forward in this discovery of love. The deeper in I get, the more risk I feel... and, at times, the more pain I experience. To trust others is risky business. To believe the best requires a soft heart. I don't always feel safest with a soft heart, and I always want to feel safe. Lately I've been finding myself in these terribly painful experiences where I literally want to rip my heart out because it's causing me such severe pain. I know that the pain is not isolated to one or even two events in my life... that most of it has really little to do with anything present in my life at all--but that most of it is years and years of anger, sadness, grief, and longing finally pouring itself out of me. Being in a place in life, with people who care, creates a place that is safe to finally let myself feel honestly. It's new, and scary, and I'm not quite sure that I'm sold on it yet. But I am convinced that God wants me to heal--that He wants my heart to be free. And so I hurt.

Homeless

2008-07-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

I've been working at the UGM's Crisis shelter for women and children for almost two weeks now. It feels a little bit like an internalized giggle when I think about it, because I would have never dreamed in a million years that I would 1) ever work at a homeless shelter (sad, but true), and 2) LOVE it.

In just one week my eyes have been opened wider than I knew possible to the true and utter brokenness of our world. To be completely honest, God had to fight me on this one. I really didn't want to work there. I knew what kind of people lived in homeless shelters: drug addicts, mentally ill, alcoholics, and so on. I grew up with all of that and I am still healing from the wounds caused by it--why would I ever want to put myself in the middle of "those people?" Thankfully God does not allow us to be lead astray when we truly seek after and follow Him. It was only a few weeks before my first visit to the shelter that I felt the Spirit speak, "My people are here," referring to the city. I shadowed one of the staff before committing to the job, and again, I heard the Spirit within me speak, "I want my daughters here." I knew that God had created this shelter in the middle of a broken city as a refuge for women to go to experience physical and spiritual safety. Whether I ended up working there or not, I felt peace that God was at work in that place.

A little over a week later, in a battle against my very own flesh, I accepted the position at the shelter. Immediately I felt peace. As I have met my entire staff team and begun working with the women, I am in awe of God's provision for me. Not only am I daily encouraged and built up by some of the most amazing people I've ever met, I am humbled by my own narrow-mindedness as I get to love on women who are so much like you and me. Behind the drug addiction, mental illness, domestic abuse, etc., there are so many wounded little girls desperately searching for someone to love and rescue them. I am finding that daily I am repenting of my own sin, saying, "Oh Lord, I struggle with that. Help me, so then I can help her." I am humbled by my realization that I could very easily be one step away from being in their shoes--being victimized by rape, marrying a man who turns out to be someone I didn't know him to be, experiencing a financial crisis, experiencing a physical tragedy that leaves me disabled, taking one small step that could lead me to a downward spiral I would have never chosen to go on had I known the ramifications of my actions, or simply being decieved into believing I could trust someone/something I couldn't. The list is endless... but the truth is that I am just as capable as any of them of making choices that lead me to the same place they are today.

My second day of work I was sitting with a couple of women listening to them talk with my boss about relationships. One of the ladies said (about a man she's been in and out of a relationship with), "I have never felt this for any man before. When I'm with him, I feel home." I couldn't help but think, "No, honey, Jesus keeps taking him from you because He wants to be your home." Jesus is home. Not just for her and for those who don't have a place called home--He is home for me. He is home for you. The truth is, until we really know Jesus, we are just as homeless as all of these women are.

http://www.undertheoverpass.com/uop/video/undertheoverpass_20050930.wmv

Laundry & Life

2008-06-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't done late-night laundry since college. I wonder why late-at-night was usually the time I chose to do laundry in college. Anyway, I'm waiting for load 1 of 3 to finish, so I decided to head over to the blog.

My counselor asked me an interesting question the other day. She said, "If you were put on a spaceship and flown to an uninhabited planet with a bunch of people, and put in charge of creating a new nation on that planet, there would be certain things that would be a given for what would be part of it. But if it were up to you, what would be the one thing you'd make sure was true of that society?"

It was easy for me to answer. I said, "I'm make sure some kind of discipleship was in place--spiritual and emotional development that would include counseling, but also spiritual training and growth."

"This is what you are most passionate about. That is what you need to pursue, and every move you make from now on should be with intention in moving toward that goal."

The answer to the question I've been asking myself for (at least) the last year was suddenly before me! I went instantly from confused to directed and excited, passionate and energized. Now figuring out the first step in the right direction is the tricky part. I know I want to go back to school for some kind of counseling or ministry degree... but that just isn't an option for me for at least a year. Ironically (or not), this conversation was motivated by a job opportunity presented to me last week to work at a Women's Crisis homeless shelter--the Union Gospel Mission's women's crisis shelter. Hmm. I'm not exactly sure where God is going with this, but I at least now know what direction to look for Him!

A friend shared the question, "if you won a million dollars and didn't have to work for the rest of your life, what would you choose to spend your time doing?" I think this question is answered pretty easily by most people... but if not, I think it reveals itself in what we choose to spend our time doing when we have nothing else to do. I go on coffee dates and spend hours on the phone talking to friends. I read self-help books and give people personality tests. I invite people over to my house for dinner and a movie.

I don't think finding our purpose in life is as hard as it seems sometimes. Usually it's what we most enjoy doing. That's why God created us to enjoy it.

The Fragrance of Life

2008-04-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

As I got in my car one day to drive to work, it didn't take me very long to notice the lingering scent of a friend who had been in my car the day before. I was caught off guard by how much that smell impacted me. My heart was instantly engaged as I was reminded of that person and the fun conversations we'd had in the car. As I went throughout my day, I kept getting whiffs of their scent, and each time my heart responded. I feel like the Lord was intentional to give me this experience, as it allowed my heart to connect deeply with His word when it was taught on Sunday morning. The passage of scripture talked about was 2 Corinthians 2:14-17:

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God."

This piece of scripture resonated through my heart as I thought about the impact an aroma has on the heart. To smell the scent of a person I care for and love brings about sentimental emotions that make me smile and long for more depth and intimacy with them. It makes me miss them and wish they were with me in that moment. At the same time, a scent that reminds me of a person who has caused pain in my life can be as equally powerful. It causes me to hurt, withdraw, and seek comfort in something else.

As I think about the impact aroma has on the heart, it makes me wonder what kind of fragrance I spread throughout the world. I think about my friends and my family, my coworkers and my clients, even the tired cranky lady in the grocery line... and wonder how my spiritual fragrance impacts their heart. Does it make them smile and long for more of the Truth and Love I live for? Does it make them bitter and resentful of the pain I have caused them, striking fear and a pursuit of comfort in something other than Christ? Or do they even smell anything at all?

Passion?

2008-04-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with passion for my life. I look around me and see so many people full of vision and excitement for the future and what it holds. They have dreams and goals and stuff they are passionate about. I feel bankrupt when it comes to this. I don't know what I'm passionate about. I don't know what sort of purpose my life will fulfill. I'm a single woman living in a small big town feeling a lot of pressure to pursue success and adventure. My life is supposed to be full of dreams and meaning. But its not. I work a job that I don't enjoy--in reality probably causes more harm for me than I do good for it... I live with four women who are on their way to things bigger--this is only a transitional time of life for them. I don't relate. What I dream about is security and consistency in relationships. I dream about being a wife and a mom and taking care of a home and a yard. Cooking meals and throwing parties. I dream of being involved in my family's community and helping my church. I want to go on family vacations and create traditions. I want to be excited about holidays and not fear a fight or wounds from the family I'm with. I have vision for a me that feels free to be all of me all the time every day with the safest of people--my own family, and to impact the world through my commitment, passion, and desire to love my husband and my children in a way I never experienced growing up.
I guess what I dream of feels small in comparison to those around me... and maybe even misunderstood. What I didn't experience in childhood is what I long for. My problem comes in that I don't feel like I can pursue that dream. It's a passion I have to wait on God to provide for me... one I am not even sure He will ever lead me to. So I am stuck wondering, "What do I do?" I pray for passion for more than those things... and passion for where I am now.

A (single) woman's love.

2008-01-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

God used a story to speak powerfully to me today, and I want to share it with you.

The story is the one about the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears, her jar of perfume, and her hair. Each Gospel account has a slightly different take on this story, but the basics are the same. Most think she was Mary of Bethany (Martha's sister). She entered this home that was likely full of men and proceeded to risk her dignity, her life, her respect, and her future on this simple extravagent act. She wept over his feet and broke her most prized posession and spilled it's contents over His feet, then washed them with her hair. Some things that are important to know about the context of this--1) She was cleaning the dirtiest part of his body, 2) Her perfume was one of the most expensive oils you could find during the time (worth more than any you could find today), 3) It was socially unacceptable for a woman to take her hair down like that, but most significantly for me is that this perfume was likely her dowry. If in fact she was Mary of Bethany, her parents were already dead, she probably hadn't been married, and her odds were not so good. What grips me about this is that, as a single woman likely hoping and longing for marriage one day, she completely surrendered her odds of marriage to Christ by breaking that alabastar jar and pouring out the contents over his feet. It seems so foolish--complete abandon. As a single woman who longs, probably more deeply than most other things in life (and I say that with the strongest hope that I don't come off as desperate), to be married and raise a family, this passage of scripture hits a deep place for me. I am learning day by day that marriage is a privelege. I am realizing that to love my Savior deeply--to be willing to lay my future down at his feet to the point of sacrifice--that this is enough. If I live my life single, it will not be miserable... I get to live life with Jesus. I get to die and live eternity with Jesus. That is enough to be excited about for the rest of my life. I just think of Mary and am humbled by how far from hers my heart is. It is reluctant to trust like that, fearful to sacrifice in such a complete way. It desires to control and have it's way... I pray for a heart of abandon like her's. I want to be willing to risk it all for him--my dignity, my pride, my safety, my future, my hopes, dreams, and deepest desires.

The art of waiting.

2007-09-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

We all have to do it--every day. In line. At stop lights. On hold.

Waiting.

In all honesty, waiting is one of the most aggravating things I experience in life. When I am on my way to work, the last thing I want to do is wait behind a 85 year old man going 25 in a 30 mph zone. Alas, I have no control over it. I could tail him, honk, wave my arm out the window, and maybe even shout... but it wouldn't matter in the end, because he is probably half deaf and blind, and wouldn't hear or see me anyway.

My point is that waiting is an inevitable part of life. And it seems that God likes to make us do it a lot. There is always something I am waiting on God for... a job, a roommate, provision, community, a house, a husband, direction...

I find that the longer the wait, the more impatient I get. I get so frustrated and start to wail at God and ask him, "WHY?! WHEN?" And then usually I have to wait some more.

The thing that I so easily forget about waiting is that God always has something to teach me while I'm doing it. I never realize until after my waiting is over, just how much I needed to learn that lesson. And usually it's the starvation feeling of waiting, the ache, the out-of-control feeling of it that puts me in a place that is open and available to hear from and desperately need God. A place where I can do nothing else but trust that He is going to do something.

So waiting is an art, I think. It takes an open mind. Patience, faith, creativity. It takes a soft heart, and listening ears. It takes a broader perspective, a selfless attitude. It's not something I claim to have mastered. And I likely never will. But maybe with practice, I won't hate it so much.

The Beautiful side of lonely.

2007-07-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the balcony of my apartment enjoying the cool breezy air and the sweet smells of summer. It has been a great day. Restful, yet productive. Life-giving and encouraging. Every now and then I like to go back a few months and read through my journal entries. I did that today and was really amazed at what I found.

For the most part, it hasn't been a secret that I've had a really hard year. I've been through a lot of ups and downs, struggling to find hope, struggling to connect with the Lord, and feeling the deepest and most intense loneliness I've ever known. (Not without some good things mixed in, though!). As I read through my entries from late March until now I became so thankful for every single moment I lived this last year. I realized that what God has allowed me to experience in the last nine months has been the greatest blessing and most gracious gift I may ever receive. What amazed me the most about my entries was the depth in which I trusted God. Even in the lowest of low places, even when everything in my being wanted to question Him, the truth of His love reigned in my heart. I was so encouraged by that, because as I was living it I felt like my relationship with Him was on the rocks. I felt doubt and fear, anxiety, hopeless... but I chose to trust Him in spite of my feelings, to believe in His goodness and who He says He is, and I believe that through it he has developed my character more deeply than I could have ever hoped or imagined if I had had an easy year. I'm thankful, because I think back to a year ago and the things I was talking to Him about... so much was about me. What I wanted, what I thought I needed, who I was, where I was going and doing, His will for me. Not that I don't still talk to Him about these things, but much less frequently because I more often trust Him with these things. What I realized as I read through my journal is that I am talking to Him much more about who HE is. The only thing I've felt sure of this last year is that God wanted me to get to know Him better, and here I've been, feeling as though I've done a lousy job of it (and I probably have), but to be able to look back and realize that I do indeed know Him better encourages me so much. I prayed the other day that God would make 2 Corinthians 12:9 true of me. That I would, "take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It honestly terrified me to pray for that. But here I am... He is so sweet to allow me to take pleasure in something that at the time was so painful. The love of the Lord is so sweet to my soul. I even realized as I read specific things I asked for, specific needs I had... I realized that He had indeed provided for those, only in ways I couldn't see. He so often does that. When I'm thirsty I ask for juice and He gives me water.

Thank you Jesus for loving me so tenderly. For showing me Your kindness every day. Thank you for the grace you extend to me moment by moment. You are my love, my rock, my peace, and my salvation. May I never look away. May I never stop trusting in all the goodness that You are.

I'm leaving staff.

2007-04-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

I would like to preface this announcement by saying that there is nothing quite like the peace that comes when you know you are in the will of the Father.

Yes, its true... I have decided to leave staff with Crusade. The decision began about three weeks ago when my MPD coach approached me to begin praying about whether or not it was the healthiest thing for me to be doing at this point in my life. The challenge was inspired by the ups and downs I'd been experiencing since Day 1 of MPD... they were mostly downs. I had informed Holly (my coach) that I was worried about myself, that I didn't think what I was experiencing was normal. "Is it?" I asked her? She said that even with the ups and downs that everyone who raises support experiences, mine were definitely out of the ordinary. She expressed to me a desire for me to be healthy, and pointed out that I had enough big things on my plate to be dealing with without having to concentrate on such a task as raising support. I started crying pretty much immediately, but God had been preparing my heart, and I think even at that moment I knew I was hearing from the Lord.

Throughout the next 2 weeks I sought a lot of counsel from older, wiser people in my life, as well as family and friends who know me the best. And of course, prayed like crazy. I was led to several different conclusions about the entire situation, but all of them ultimately pointed away from staff. As I began to search my heart, I realized I was being freed to pursue my true passions and desires, and that for now, they don't include being on Staff with Campus Crusade. One of the first questions people ask me when I tell them I'm leaving staff is, "What are you going to do now?" I don't know. I freaked out about it for a few days, took some serious time to pray about it, and heard the Lord tell me to wait. Deciding to leave staff is a big enough decision for me to have to worry about right now, so I'm just going to wait and trust the Lord to lead me in time. For now I am truly enjoying learning what I'm passionate about and what gives me life. I am learning that I have an enormous heart for kids, especially kids who are "dysfunctional" in some way. But for the time being, I'm going to explore my options and allow the Lord to lead me. For the last five years a large majority of my life was focused on Crusade, so it's a bit of a learning process for me to allow myself to pursue new and different aspects of life. Really fun and exciting, though! :)

A few people have asked me if I've felt like I wasted the last year of my life, and I don't feel that way at all. I loved the time I spent on Staff, and would love to be called back on someday. Not only that, but I gained some incredible training and experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. Not to mention the things the Lord taught me as I battled with raising support. I consider it an incredibly valuable time of my life, even though it was probably one of the hardest experiences. I think the Lord allowed me to spend a year "on staff" because He is gracious and sometimes allows us to go down paths that we think are good in order to show us they aren't best.

With all that said, I have been experiencing a beautiful peace that I know could only come from the Lord. I think my favorite response to all of this came from my director, Mike Kelly, when he said he was glad that I felt like the Lord has released me from Staff to pursue a different path. I feel like that is the perfect word to describe what He has done in my life. I feel free and... guess what? For now, the ups and downs are gone! :)

Please keep me in your prayers as I transition out of this phase of life and into a new and BLANK one. Love you guys and hope you don't feel like I've kept you in the dark! Please feel free to ask questions, call, message, etc.

What I miss...

2007-03-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

So I was flipping through my camera-phone pictures, and this ache began to grow in my gut as memories of good times flooded through my brain... and this is what I miss...

Pullman sunsets

Monday nights in college (growth group & hang out time)
Thursday nights
Cougar Country

Coffee dates in the Bookie

Wal-Mart runs

Bucer & Daily Grind dates

Walking around campus

Sitting in dorm hallways chatting
Spontaneously stopping by someone's room

Best friends being 50 yards away

Meeting Sham for breakfast at crazy early hours because it was the only time that worked for both of us.

Having cry-fests with Liz & Sham

Stopping by Annamarie's room
Silly sleepover nights with Liz and Heather

MOVIE nights

Laughing at stupid things with Natessa
Being with Lindsay Black.

Drives with Shamra

Discipleship times with Malisa... and Melissa

Leadership meetings

Spending time with guys

Community growth group girls

"Studying" at the DG and running into at least 10 people you know

Walking up Hills

Colleen & Renee
Warm summer nights in Orlando.

The dock on the lake at Rollins College.

Spending every day with other people who have the same vision and call as me...

Being around people my age.
Staff people... they're amazing people.

Holding Colleen's coffee.
Waiting on Colleen.
Going to Starbucks with Colleen.
Laughing at/with Colleen.
Being practically attached to Colleen.

Bible Study methods with Bob and Cas.

Running through the rain in Orlando.

Danielle Warren's laugh.
Being super silly and genuine with Kristen Hanggi.

Living with Heather.

Christie and Caitlin stopping by to visit me and Heather.

Carolyn being my RA and it being her job to be in my life. :)

Caitlin being my RA... and living next door to me.

China

Warm summer nights in China

Walking to get Nai Cha with Liz.
Eating watermelon with Liz.

Laughing so hard it hurts with Katie Bennett.

Deep talks with Fritha.

Going to women's basketball games

Adriane's Amy Grant karoeke special.
Everything about Echo, including SeaWorld.

My brother.

Kelly, Paula, Morgan, and Jodi.

Doing nothing for hours with friends in college and having the time of my life.
Spending time with the Chapins.

The entire WSU staff team.

Visiting Elley Mae's room... and crying there.

Visiting Steph. Anytime.

Random nights with Mando.

ECHO hang outs
Ianna (my boss).

Springtime in Pullman.

Pullman.

Friends.

"If satan can't make you sin, he'll make you busy."

2007-03-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Who killed their hearts? I am sad and frustrated by what I see in so many believers' hearts. Not frustrated with them, but with the influence the World has had on their precious hearts. I guess I am not exempt from this influence, but I think I've been blessed to have people in my life who are constantly reminding me to nurture my heart.

I've been getting more involved with my church and have tried out a couple of Bible studies the last couple of weeks. Most of the people in the groups are at least five-ten years older than me. I've discovered an absense of depth of relationship and a surfacey perspective of the Word that has shocked me. I don't want to generalize or categorize all adults in the church, but I don't think what I am experiencing is a rare exception. In one case, the people in the group turned studying the Word into an intellectual exploration of the Bible in lecture format. It was impersonal and a far cry from nurturing a relationship with Jesus. The next one was a drastic improvement--actually relational--but one woman kept saying, "I just need more joy in my life. I need more joy." She shared that she was so busy and didn't know how to slow down, but was feeling overwhelmed and joyless with the life she was living. Others agreed that they felt the same way. I was new, and the youngest in the group, so they looked at me and asked, "Kendra, how do you spend your days off?" I reminded them that I don't have children or a spouse, but then said that I love to take "days with the Lord" and do things that give me life instead of things that wear me out.

They all looked at me with longing, like what I was describing was something completely out of their reach.

As I have thought more on my experience with these groups, I am so thankful for what the Lord is calling me into. I am blessed to be called into ministry--to make walking with the Lord and encouraging others to do the same my full-time job. Last night I felt almost guilty for how much joy my work brings me, because there are so many people who feel worn out and exhausted with their lives--in a defeating and discouraging way. Not to say that ministry is the only occupation that is life-giving, but I think it is easier to remember to include God when He is what our work is all about.

I wish the others knew that its okay to slow down. That its okay to take a day with the Lord. I wish they knew that God wants their heart and not their activities and works. I wish these working women knew that God cares more about a full and loved heart than a clean house and a "job-well-done." I wish these men knew that their families need them more than their money. I wish more people could know and believe that the world is not going to fall apart if they step out of it for a few hours. I wish all these people could see that the answer to their searching hearts is right in front of them in the Book they are studying and in the people they are studying it with.

ren·o·va·tion: to restore to good condition; make new or as if new again; repair.

2007-03-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

In so many ways I feel like I am at "ground zero" with my faith. I feel like so much of what I've known and lived by has been stripped away from me, and God is rebuilding my foundation. I had no idea what He was up to in my life until about a week ago. Its still a little blury, but I think I'm at least beginning to see that what he was doing was tearing down my walls, removing my shaky, rickety foundation, and preparing me for something so much more Rock-solid. As the dust is beginning to clear, my heart is breaking over what I see. The pride in my heart wants to shrink from the reality of it in shame--I should know this by now. I can't ignore it anymore, though. The truth is glaring me right in the face and God will not let me turn from it anymore.

Grace. Believe it or not, I think I've missed it--even after all these years of "knowing" God. I have known a lot about grace... I've memorized scripture, taught studies on it, read books about it. I've pondered over the difference and balance between truth and grace...But somehow I've managed to escape the experience of it. Of course I've had moments where I've glimpsed it... but my heart rejected it like a foreign virus.

I was given the assignment to meditate on the grace of God by my MPD coach last week. She said that she had been realizing that I am very law-based and very easily get paralyzed by fear, guilt, and shame. So she wanted me to focus on grace. I liked that assignment, even though it felt basic and... well... like review. HAH! It didn't take me long (only about five days...) to figure out that researching grace wasn't going to get me what I was looking for. I wasn't learning anything new. I had read and heard it all before. So I started praying.

"To receive grace, Jesus? How do I do it? How do I know I am covered by grace, but also FULLY experience it? It honestly does not seem right or okay to fully embrace the grace you've given me. I feel I deserve punishment. I don't fully trust it, because what if its just some scam you're using to hold over my head? Nothing is ever free--not even love... that is the message I've always known. So how can something like grace be TRULY free? Something so wonderful, but so undeserved?

"My shame is a false humility. 'I am too low to accept this gift from you. I am unworthy and undeserving.' In reality I'm afraid to accept it because I want to remain in control, out of fear that to need anyone but myself would mean... what?

That I'm not an island?
That there are good people?
That after all I've worked so hard for, I'm still not perfect.

"And that's it. Thats what you are facing me with. I can't become an expert on grace by reading about it. Grace does not reflect my perfection, but magnifies my imperfection and illuminates YOUR perfection.

"Grace is...
When all my weakness, my glaring imperfections, everything I lack--is staring me and the whole world right in the face and making me vulnerable and deserving of rejection, and you look right at me and say 'I want you. I accept you. You are still welcome here.'"

And so my discovery of grace begins. I felt like I had been enlighted. Kind of funny, isn't it? Its the most foundational message of Christ, and here I am, six years after receiving Him, and only just now beginning to grasp the truth of it. And it really is only a beginning. Experiential knowledge is a different kind of learning--one that takes longer for the brain to fully comprehend when it has known a certain "truth" for so long. (That's the Psych in me coming out!) I am so hopeful and encouraged by what the Lord is illuminating for me in His word and whispering to me through my prayers. Even though times like these are overwhelming and painful, and even though they strip you and make you feel raw and vulnerable... it feels so much better than the process of being crumbled to the ground. The shakiness is disappearing and something sturdier is growing within me.

"Trust me."

2007-01-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I was hanging out with my friend Michelle and I said something along the lines of, "I can't wait for the day when I won't always have to say 'I can't afford it.'" I won't lie, I'm not the best money manager in the world... but right now I'm so poor that I don't even have enough money to manage poorly. It has been humbling, but definitely something I've seen the Lord work in. I know that He doesn't want me to worry about money, so I keep trying my hardest to trust Him to provide while being as responsible as I can with what He gives me. And for the most part, I really do have peace about it. Its not like I don't have enough food to eat or gas in my car... I just have to be smart about how I spend it. So anyway, this month has been particularly tight... when I realized how much I'd have left after my bills were all paid, I was feeling pretty anxious. But still, the Lord whispered, "trust me." Okay. I was feeling pretty peaceful about it all this morning when I was driving to work and this song by Third Day came on the radio:

"Mountain Of God"
Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me
And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me
'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew That I couldn't ever make it Without You
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God
As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me Yes,
You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again Sometimes
I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

I knew God was speaking to me through that song, letting me know that He is enough for all my needs, and that I can trust in that. Have you experienced that kind of peace? Its great.

So anyway, as if that wouldn't be a good enough story in itself... I had a support appointment tonight with a girl who was referred to me by one of my supporters. She was so excited to meet with me for the purpose of encouraging me... and that she did! We had a great talk and at the end, she said, "I wish I could support you, but I can't. I'm going to be doing my own support raising in a few months... but would it be okay if I gave you a check for $25 and gave you this gift card for Fred Meyer? It has $25 on it too." Needless to say, I wasn't surprised. God promised me He would provide for me, and He did. But I can't tell you how much I love knowing that He is laying my needs on the hearts of others and using them (without even knowing it!) to provide for my every need. I have so many great stories like this one, and I know that He is using His provision for me to cause me to fall more deeply in love with Him and prove to me that He is trustworthy... I can't believe that He would even care enough to do it. He doesn't have to prove anything to me, but He loves me so much that He does it anyway... because He cares that I really know Him in a way that I can always trust Him.

Processing...

2007-01-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have days where you wake up full of anxiety? It feels like something heavy is pressing in on you and there's no way you can go back to sleep. It happens to me sometimes, like this morning. Usually I know why--somehow my gaze has been shifted to be fixed on something besides God. I wondered this morning why I was feeling it, because I've felt more connected to the Lord in the last two weeks than I have for months. I said to Him, "It makes no sense why I would be feeling this. Everything in my head tells me that everything in my life is okay. I have been content and it has been easy for me to trust You." I think I was bombarded with lies, but I can't even figure out what they are. All I know is something was affecting my feelings, and it's in times like those that I am thankful that life does not revolve around feelings. I am so thankful to Jesus that He is making it more clear to me the difference between times when I can let my feelings be free and times when they are not an accurate meter for how I'm doing. The only lie I can think of is, "Things are not as you thought they were." I suppose that would make a lot of sense for why my feelings would change. And how effective that lie would be in separating my heart from God. If what I have believed about God to be true isn't in fact as true as I thought they were, then He isn't as good as He says He is. But the truth is, even if things aren't as I thought they were, God is still who I believe Him to be--good, true, and desiring to give me good things. Basically, Satan is trying to tell me that God has been trying to deceive me, and I just cannot believe its true. I refuse to. His heart is not to harm me... Lord, would you give me discernment for what is true and from You and what are lies and from the evil one?

I really like him.

2007-01-19T17:36:00.000-08:00

I decided that I'm going to try really hard not to write any more blog entries about being lonely, because too many people start worrying about me. I'm sorry if I give the impression that I'm always kind of depressed and down... I'm really not. I appreciate people who care about me, though. :D Especially those who know that when I'm feeling down what I really need is just to talk! Thanks for talking! :)

On the contrary, I am probably doing better than I have been for months! Other than the occasional dumpy day--like Sunday--I have been really encouraged and motivated by the Lord. I've had some really encouraging appointments with people and a lot of incredible conversations about so many different things... relationships, guys and girls, political issues, church and what it should be like, community, Montana!, ministry, being on staff, God's heart, spiritual growth... it has been so encouraging and refreshing to my soul! It really is all about perspective and if you can keep yours on Jesus or not. Sometimes it feels next to impossible, but I think that happens to me when I'm trying to do it on my own strength instead of His. When I am trusting in Him and believing Him for what I need, life is always good.

Have you met my "friend" Alone?

2007-01-14T23:06:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days you wish you could go back and redo. It turned out to be a horrible day, and for some reason I want to blame someone. Satan? God? I suppose the only one to blame is myself, although I can't really think of what I did or did not do right. I guess all I can come up with is that life is really hard sometimes. I woke up feeling great. I only hit my snooze button ONCE--which, ask my roommate... that never happens. I was coming off an overly optimistic perspective from yesterday. My time with the Lord left me feeling hopeful and expectant for good and exciting things to happen, and they never did. I've finally decided on a church to attend, and this was my first Sunday going "alone." Usually I feel intimidated and small when I go to church alone, but today I was feeling confident and ready to take on the world. I found a friend to sit with and really enjoyed the sermon. The day was off to a good start. Then I got home, turned the Seahawks game on, and everything flipped from there. Not to say that the Seahawks losing ruined my day--I could honestly care less. (sorry) It was just that my overwhelming feeling of being alone came over me again. My friend, "Alone," is becoming my closest companion. (Sounds pretty sad and depressing, doesn't it?) The strange thing is that I wasn't even feeling sorry for myself. Usually I do when I'm lonely. I was sitting here, trying to distract myself, trying to figure out ways to be optimistic and think of the good things in my life. I hate always having a negative attitude and being Debbie Downer. I hate feeling like I'm never doing good. So I've been trying to do better. I thought I was, genuinely... until today when I couldn't avoid "Alone" any longer. It's overwhelming, this friend of mine. It doesn't seem to want to leave me alone (what?). So anyway, then my Dad called me. I haven't talked to him since Christmas day, although I think about how I wish he would call me almost every day. So he asks me how things are going, and nearly immediately I just started crying and telling him how sick I am of "Alone." He had sympathy for me, and tried his best to comfort me... he always does... but he also spoke some truth that was hard and confusing for me to hear. I guess I'm not sure if I should even call it truth. It was more like honesty that sounded like truth. He seems to think that choosing to be on staff with Crusade goes hand in hand with feeling alone (at least while I'm raising support), and that I can't have the best of both worlds. Part of me believes that he's right because its what I've experienced for six months, but part of me wants to dare to believe that he's wrong. He thinks I'm at a Crossroads--that I need to choose which is more important to me--pursuing and making my relationships a priority, or pursuing and making staff a priority. For some reason, I think he's wrong. It still spun me into a weird funk for the rest of the day, and I haven't been able to shake it. I called four different people about joining small groups at my church and none of them worked out (either they were not home, there was no room, or they were "too old" for me...). Pretty disheartening, honestly. I feel like I've been trying to get rid of "Alone" but he's haunting me. I can't take it anymore!! I finally stopped and said, "What the heck?! Why did this turn out to be such a crappy day! It was going so well. WHAT HAPPENED?!" SO, I am determined that tomorrow is going to be a better day!

Thoughts on Independence.

2006-12-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have hesitations about what I want to put on this blog. I never know if I'm too personal with the things I write--if I share too much about my heart with a world of people I don't know. (Assuming people actually read it! Hah! :)) Sometimes that's exactly what I want to accomplish--to share something different than what people are used to. So it goes back and forth, and that's probably why there are stretches of times when I don't write a thing. I think that a large part of why people enjoy blogging and reading others' blogs, however, is because they are searching for connection with people. Whether its something "deep," funny, common, spiritual, tragic... we are longing to share our lives with others. I was thinking about this today as I was spending time with the Lord, journaling about how I was feeling and wondering what His will for me right now is. I frequently feel this weird internal conflict between a part of me that so desires and needs connection and intimacy with people and another part of me that screams for strength and independence. It's frustrating, because those two parts pull on me and fight for dominance in my life. It occurred to me that God created one and not the other, and then I became even more frustrated. I wrote these words in my journal: "I live in such an individualistic, independent, egocentric, culture that teaches people to need no one, to be strong, and, in essence, become a self-worshipping King/Queen of our own lives." I began thinking about the word independence and what it really means. The definition says this: "freedom from the control, influence, support, or the like, of others." Our nation celebrates its freedom every year in remembrance of the "Declaration of Independence," but quite honestly, whether its nationally or personally, to know the meaning of independence, it makes me sad to think that we, as a nation, pride ourselves in it and pursue it passionately. The message is: Do NOT need anything from anyone, EVER. Have you tried it? If you're American, I bet you've thought you have. It's completely impossible!! People were created to need people, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially... I grew up in a family that didn't really know how to talk about their feelings. I bet most of you did, too. Talking about feelings demonstrates a need for another person, thus weakness. Its a need, though--so whether you talked about it or not, it was there. So, then, what did you turn to when it wasn't okay to feel, talk about it, express it? Some of us have been lucky enough to have some great friends who supplemented for us... but its likely that even those relationships, at best, only scratched the surface of "influencing" and "supporting" you, because, as we all know, to let a person in too far is the exact opposite of independence, and to be reliant on anyone goes against who we are. So, then, what filled that "forbidden" hole in your heart? I have a laundry list of things, myself. I guess you can say that "blogging" is one of them. :) So is Facebook. Think about it. Why are things like MySpace, Facebook, Blogger.com, Starbucks, sports, bars & clubs, church so successful? They provide a way for us to be with, relate to, connect with people--and there is nothing wrong with that! God created us to need people, and whether we ever realize it or not, we are searching for ways to interact with people in a way that brings our heart freedom from the loneliness of ourselves. Kind of random, but when I saw the news reports about all the people stranded at the airport in Denver this week, part of me envied them. What a perfect opportunity that would have been to connect with someone. Isn't it weird how people use the words independence and freedom interchangeably? There are many definitions to freedom, some that are, indeed, similar to the one of indepenence. But my favorite says this: "personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery." I feel, so frequently, in bondage to my culture. The pressure to wear this, buy that, eat this, look this way, say these things, go these places, have this career, think this way. Something isn't right here. I think somewhere people have gotten this crazy idea that needing people in any way is the equivalent of bondage or slavery. Does something in that idea ring true in your heart like it does in mine? How sad! It's not how God intended it! Relationships are not supposed to feel like bondage or slavery--they are supposed to be freeing. We are not supposed to be alone in this.

Please share your thoughts!

How's your heart?

2006-12-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm freezing cold right now, drinking luke-warm coffee. My heart is warm and full, though. Jesus is so sweet to me. He surprised me this weekend with unexpected quality time with my two bestest friends this weekend. :) Quality time is my love language, and it has been so long since I've had it with either of them. We talked and laughed and shopped and my heart was happier than it has been in months. I've have been learning a lot lately the significance of needing people. Jesus wants us to need him above all, but He also deeply longs for us to need other people. My friend Melissa Chapin says that God created me "sweetly relational," so you can imagine how parched my spirit gets when I go days (sometimes weeks!) without deep relational connection with people. I'm not an extrovert, but there is something weird about me that desperately wants to deeply connect with the people around me. I know that not everyone is like me, and sometimes my desire for intimacy overwhelms others... but I am beginning to realize that it is the key to my place on staff with CCC. I'm not an extroverted, bold, natural-leader type of person that seems to so naturally "fit" within Crusade. I'm shy, an awkward speaker, and I hate being in the spotlight. But I love seeing Jesus enter into people's lives and become real to them. I have goosebumps right now. I know that a lot of people can struggle with Crusade and the (real or imagined) pressure to perform. I just want to encourage you to be yourself and let God show you your niche within His Kingdom. You don't have to be a Super Evangelist, Bible Study Leader of the Year, or Best Speaker of All Time in order to make a difference for Jesus. If you aren't experiencing peace, joy, and freedom in your ministry, then it is likely that there is something not pure in your heart. Pray for brokenness! And pray for passion from the Lord for what He has created you for. He has called everyone differently--feel free to explore that!

January where are you?

2006-11-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

Its snowing right now. Its pretty, and I'm excited to go home and eat some of my homemade turkey soup and watch Little Women, but I'm not very excited about driving in it. Especially because my car is a piece of junk. It is probably the single largest source of stress in my life at this point. It has a tendency to die when it's idle. So when I'm stopped at stoplights in rush-hour traffic... it dies. I pretty much hate it.

Anyway... I can't help but be excited for December to be over with. It's going to be a really busy and expensive month. It makes raising support SO hard. I just want my support to be finished, but it seems like every time I just get rolling with it, something like a wedding or thankgiving happens and there's a huge interruption. When December is over things should settle down a bunch and I just can't wait.

She's getting married.

2006-11-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

My whole life people have asked me, "What's it like being a twin?" And I've always said, "Well, I don't know what it's like to not be a twin. So I can't really answer that question." I guess I could take a stab at it, though.

Its getting called the wrong name every day of your life by pretty much everyone you know. Even mom and dad.
Its having someone look almost exactly like you.
Its having people ruthlessly compare you to someone in desperation to find a difference so they could differentiate in their own minds between the two of you.
Its a daily competition.
Its going through an identity crisis as a teenager.
Its having someone in your life that has walked through life with you from day one.
Its always having a best friend.
Its having someone who can almost read your mind they know you so well.
Its being able to laugh at things that no one else thinks are funny--and not having to say a word about it.
Its always having someone to cry with.
Its knowing that you can be the biggest butthead in the world, but still be loved.
Its being vulnerable to the worst pain imaginable, but also an endless amount of grace.
Its basically one of the hardest things about my life, but more one of the hugest blessings of my life.

So... she is getting married on Saturday. We won't have the same last name anymore. Someone else is going to know her better and more intimately than I do (actually, he probably already does). Pretty much any priority I had in her life is going to go to him now. And its good. The grief I feel is weird and unexpected and hard to describe. It is happiness mixed with sadness. She is my best friend, but I'm not hers anymore, and that is a weird feeling. As my sister, I want her to have all the happiness in the world, so this day is exciting for me and full of joy, but a huge change for her and me. I'm in this weird place in my life where I feel like I'm in a constant state of transition. It feels insecure and unstable, uknown, scary, unpredictable, and I want it to be over. Please pray for this week that will be full of emotion, activities, stress, and excitement. We will need it!

He is worth it.

2006-11-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

So I was feeling lonely again today. There are two things I hate about being lonely--1) admitting that I'm lonely, 2) the most successful way to become unlonely is to admit that you're lonely. It seems like whenever you say, "I feel lonely," the person's instant reaction is, "Awww, I'm sorry!" But that doesn't really make you feel any better. It almost makes you more lonely. It's obvious they feel sorry for you and pity you, but admitting that you're lonely is like admitting that there's this great need in your heart that no one wants to fill. Which is probably good, because that need isn't necessarily something a person should fill. Which brings me to the real reason I decided to blog tonight.

I went to Starbucks to work on mpd stuff and noticed this guy sitting at the table across from me. He was older, maybe in his late 40's-early 50's. He was all by himself just sitting there drinking coffee. He didn't have a book or anything. I watched him for a little while and noticed that he periodically mumbled things under his breath. He kept gazing around the room and would occasionally get up to go to the bathroom or go outside to smoke. He had very sad and lonely eyes. The instant I saw him my heart felt compassion for him. I instantly knew that he is lonely. I know how it feels, but I found myself being thankful that I wasn't in his shoes. I didn't want to assume that he was homeless--he didn't really look homeless. His hair was combed and he seemed fairly clean, but his clothes were worn and I couldn't help but wonder why he was sitting for hours in a Starbucks drinking coffee all alone. The Spirit began to stir in me, and I knew there was a purpose in what my heart was feeling toward this man. I didn't know if I was supposed to talk to him or pray for him or what, so I just started praying. I looked down and sitting on my table in front of me was my Bible. I knew instantly that I needed to give it to him. I have to admit, I wrestled with that prompt from God for a little bit. I love my Bible. It was hard to part with... I wrote a note in it to the man, telling him that God had asked me to give him my Bible and then I simply left it on his table when I walked out the door. And as soon as I did, I felt so affirmed--he is worth it. So... I still feel lonely, but now I know that there's purpose in it.

We Are the New Staff.

2006-11-01T18:06:00.000-08:00

I love being on Staff with Campus Crusade for Christ!! After three months of my first attempt at MPD I was in desperate need of this Conference. I don't think I even recognized my own heart when I first got there. I knew I wasn't doing well, but I had no idea how far off my perspective was! I loved being around other new staff for three days and getting encouraged by the senior staff who were there. It was exactly what my heart needed! I feel recharged and ready to get out there and find my Ministry Partners!

I feel more hopeful about my life than I have felt for several weeks. The change is so refreshing. I have realized just how many lies I had begun to believe after trudging through this battle for so many weeks by myself. I was beginning to seriously doubt my call to be on staff because I didn't feel like my desire was there anymore and I was beginning to forget all the reasons I joined in the first place. God's timing is so perfect and I'm thankful that He breaks through to speak to me when I turn my ear toward Him. He reminded me that He did indeed call me, and that He made me for this! I love this ministry--I thrive in it. Unfortunately Satan was able to whisper enough little deceiving lies into my ear to make me begin to question that, but as always, Jesus has won again! :) I feel so free in my job--so excited about it. It's been so long since I've felt excitement for this! My coach, Alan Fleming, Dave Dickens, and Mark Hallsten did such a phenomenal job in making us feel joined in this process. I felt so embraced and cared for by them. I don't know why, but I was so afraid to go--expeting that I would leave feeling ashamed of myself for the way support is going for me. But it was just opposite. I felt so loved and encouraged--supported in an incredible way. And I had so much fun! I don't know how I live without Colleen. My heart was so refreshed from being able to talk with her and process things, laugh together, speak truth into each other's lives... and of course--someone to drink coffee with! I hope these pictures give a little glimpse into how great this Conference was!

(The only thing I have to complain about is that Cas wasn't there. I was seriously disappointed by that. Bob let me talk to her on the phone for a minute... which helped... but it just wasn't the same without her!)

11/5... Okay, so I'm adding new pictures, and I think it looks silly to have pictures on here that aren't surrounded by text, so I'm going to give another little update.

Someone read something at this conference that I attended that I think I want to write about. It was something along the lines of, "If you want to truly know God in a real way, you will experience an uninterrupted time of loneliness." I can't remember who said it, but I remember having a strange heart reaction to that quote. Initially my heart sunk, because I hate loneliness and I feel like I'm in it more than I'm not... but I also felt a little affirmed, knowing that my loneliness isn't necessarily a bad thing and that I am learning to know God more intimately because of it. It's strange, I feel like my loneliness gradually increases as the months roll on. I'm still trying to figure out how to battle it with truth instead of believing so many of the lies that go along with it. Its hard, though. I blame it on my singleness a lot. I can't help but think that people in relationships must be less lonely than I am. Is it true? I don't know. I don't think that becoming unsingle is the core solution... but I do think that God created us to have a mate, so maybe it helps. I really admire women who are older and still single... well, admire probably isn't exactly the right word because it implies that I want to be like them. I definitely don't want to be single my whole life... but I guess they probably didn't either. What would be a better word? I have a lot of respect for the ones who choose to experience life in spite of the deep desires of their hearts going unmet--the ones who continue to seek Jesus' face daily, who continue to hope in the face of disappointment. My question is, how do you stay single for so long and not get hopelessly lonely? The older you get, the more of your friends get married or in serious relationships and the less important you become (I'm not being cynical, I'm just being truthful), the less they need you, they have kids and become even more busy... I guess in some ways it can be attributed to an issue of not being content with what God has given you, but wanting what everyone else has... but it is also just an honest desire... The balance of being content while hoping for more is probably the hardest thing I have experienced in life. It has me completely stumped. I ask God for it every day, so I guess its okay that I haven't mastered it, because it's one more thing I need Him for. I'll end with this quote:

Missionary in Australia: "Ronnie, where are all the men?"

Ronnie Stevens: "They're afraid."

(Note: That quote is taken completely out of context. It was said during a talk about going on missions. But I think it can apply to other things too. Also, it's not meant to be a man-bashing quote. I believe in men. )

THE BIG SWING

Mark.

Me.

Colleen.

Matt West.

David.

Matt Turkington.

A Pumpkin Spice Latte Day

2006-10-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm talking about Saturday. It seems like every year I can pick out a day in the Fall that just feels like a "pumpkin spice latte kind of day." Its when the Fall is still in motion--leaves beautifully dressed in reds, yellows, oranges and browns--falling slowly from the trees... but the anticipation of the Winter is felt in the cold brisk air. The sky is blue, but you can see your breath. The grass is still green, but you need a coat. The air is fragrant with the scents of dying leaves, chestnuts, and freezing air. These ingredients always arouse in me a thirst for a Pumpkin Spice Latte. It fits the season so perfectly. The taste, smell, and warmth of it combined with all the things I previously listed bring such a comfort to my world--the transition of a season. Isn't it wonderful how (well, at least in Washington) you can always count on Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter? Of course they vary a little from year to year, but you can always expect the lilacs to bloom in spring, the the heat of the sun in the summer, a canvas of color in fall, and a blanket of snow in winter. There are things to enjoy about each season, and of course things to grieve as well--the "perfect" temperatures of spring will end with the sweltering heat of the summer, the long hours of daylight disappear with the coming of fall, the beautiful colors of fall drop with the temperatures in winter, and the joy and excitement of the holidays fades with the blooming of Spring. It is so interesting to me that even in the most basic cycles of all creation you find a roller coaster of ups and downs. Life, it seems, is just never going to be pleasing all the time. It is a ride that carries you up and down through thrills and frights, joy and pain. I think I remember a time when I was so confused by this--feeling a little like life was playing a trick on me, getting my hope up only to find I would always find disappointment in some way. It is quite a journey learning to hope in the good you know is coming while at the same time grieving the good that you are leaving behind--all the while knowing it never was and never is going to be easy. Trusting still that, while this path you are walking down may look much different from what you'd had in mind, it is still the best and most exciting Way.

The picture on the right was taken at my sister's Bridal shower on Saturday. How fitting! :)

Its me, continued.

2006-10-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

My heart has been overwhelmed over the last week with a selection of emotions that I haven't understood or known how to express, feel, release... I know part of it is grief, some anger, a lot of fear. I know that my heart has been completely wrong for so long about men. I know that the picture I have held in my heart of who they are has been so distorted. I know that it is my responsibility to move forward toward change. I'm scared, though. I'm mostly scared because I have no idea where to even begin. Or how. Or with who.

Its me, not you.

2006-10-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

I didn't meet my dad until I was two years old. I knew that it had been at least one year, but recently found out it was actually two. If you know anything about the development of a child, you've probably learned that the first two years of live are the most critical in terms of a person learning how to have an emotional connection with people.

I think I'm going to be learning for the rest of my life what kind of impact not having a dad for the first two years of my life has had on me. Some things are obvious to me now... but what a long journey its going to be.

Most men that I meet for the first time frighten me. I feel like a little girl peering out at them behind my mom, wondering if he is safe for me. I wonder why he has come into my life. If he is different from my own dad, I wonder why. Why are you asking me questions? Why do you want to open a door for me? Why are you concerned for my well-being? I'm not saying that my dad didn't care--he does--but I am saying that he never said so or showed it.

Anytime my dad asked me questions, it was usually in an accusative manner--like he was a detective trying to find what I was hiding. Somehow, I think all men assume I am hiding something. When they ask me questions, I am afraid they will find something they don't like. Anxiety is a common thing for me when a man asks me a question. His reason for asking is never clear to me...

I'm like a locked up jail cell when it comes to relating with men. Not that I want to be... I just haven't found the key yet. Actually... I think that the door has already been unlocked, but I'm just terrified to walk out. Have you seen Shawshank Redemption? Something like that... what does freedom feel like to someone who has been locked up for so long? Well, sometimes death seems more appealing. (Honestly... when I think about what heaven will be like...). I want to change, though. I know it's happening, too... I know it is. I have learned, most recently, that its my responsibility to heal from my wounds--not any man's job to fix me. Which I think is what I have believed (unknowingly) for a long, long time. I'm broken, I need to be fixed. It's not my fault--so someone else needs to come along and make me better. It doesn't work that way. It would not be fair to ask any human to repair the brokenness of my heart. My heart is deeply grieved as I realize the ways in which I have witheld my heart from the men in my life--how I have not offered them vulnerability and gentleness, tenderness and life, but rather coldness, disinterest, a lack of trust, and pride. Especially the ones I know, now, that I can trust. I'm sorry.

Thank God that I won't be this way forever.

Catching up... while taking a break.

2006-10-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

Did you notice the makeover on my blog? So far I like it. I feel like the new title and description give a perfect picture for how I feel about the place I'm at in life right now. "Falling backward" is a concept Paula Rinehart uses in her book Strong Women Soft Hearts to describe the experience of trusting Christ. I'm learning the "art" of it. I'm in a confusing place in life right now. I feel a little as though I am drifting... floating... being swept along by a current that is too strong for me to control. I feel as though all I can do is keep my head above water and hope that sometime soon I will either be pulled from the water, hit some ground and crawl out, or it will slow down long enough for me to at least get a glimpse of where I'm headed. I won't say that I am happy right now. I don't feel as though I am thriving--more like surviving. It's okay, because for the most part, it feels like what I need to do and where I'm supposed to be. But every day I cling to the hope that its not going to be like this forever--that things WILL change, and I will love what I'm doing with my life. For now, I search for the joy Jesus provides for me every day. When I'm driving to work at 3 am I enjoy my cup of coffee and talk to Him about my day and, through my sleepiness, how very much I need him for today. My heart is kept soft by the things I watch on the news every day during my lunch break... so much sadness, brokenness, hopelessness in the world--so many lost, broken, hurting people. It reminds me of how blessed I am. I delight in the friendship that Christ has already given me through Vickie--a woman I work with who is in her late 50's to early 60's who, at first scared me to death. A woman who is controlling, sharp-edged, and obviously deeply scarred by the events of life... I was afraid of her to begin with. I felt as though I could do nothing right, I felt stupid, and unliked... but then, God reminded me that she is hurting and if I didn't have him, I would be just like her. My heart softened, and, despite my wounds and fear of her I ventured into her life. I found that she desperately wants to be known. She opened up to me and, I think she might even trust me now. I think she really likes me. And wow--I believe she would even defend me in the face of an enemy. We discovered that we have something in common--a personal love for Jesus Christ. She is Catholic, has recently returned to the faith, and, I think, has a lot of healing left to do... but don't we all? She is a fascinating woman, who, when given the chance, is full of love and life and joy. She has a lot of pain from her life... two husbands, and, I think, a wounded relationship with her daughter. She didn't want to say much about her. What a blessing it has been for me to connect with her.

I love the Fall... I've forgotten how much. It's beautiful in Spokane. I love Falls like these, where it takes weeks for the leaves to fully change color and fall. I love it when the grass in yards are still green and the leaves are sprinkled across the ground--contrasting beautifully. I love it when the skies are clear and blue and the air is crisp and cold. I love the hope of many days and nights spent indoors together with people, holidays with family, and the celebrations of life in the midst of a season characterized by death. It seems like life slows down a bit... the summer traveling is over, and everyone is settling in for a winter of work and rest. To me, it is obvious everywhere I look how fully active God is. He is at work... and sometimes I forget, I don't see it... but right now, I am constantly reminded.

I have much more to say, but I will get to it later....

Wounded At Heart

2006-09-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I'm currently reading Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. I never thought that I would feel like this book was written for me! A book that is supposed to be for men about the wounds they receive to their heart has been ministering to my own heart in great ways. It's uncovering my own wounds from my own father that I've tried to minimalize my entire life. They are, in fact, my deepest and oldest wounds. I'm glad to say that my relationship with my dad is good, but nonetheless, there was a lot of damage done when I was a baby that I'm learning is difficult to enter into. I fear that my entire identity has been grounded on what I have believed to be true about myself as a reflection from my relationship with my dad--and it is dreadfully screwed up. My question is, "Do you really want me?" And without even realizing it, that question is beneath the surface in every relationship I have with a man, whether friend, authority, or otherwise. It scares me to realize how that question is so deeply woven into my heart. And the fear that goes with it--that the answer I'm going to receive is, "No, you are not what I want." There is not yet a conclusion to this story, because I am still in process. I'll keep you posted.

I got a job! Two, actually.

2006-09-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

Yes... that's right. Two in one day. I'm trying to figure out how many details I need to give...

Basically I was humbled by the Lord this morning... and I realized that I have been trying to do way too much on my own and kind of leaving Him in the dust... not fully trusting Him, etc. Well, He broke that down in a big way this morning, and so, in a very vulnerable way I asked Him, "Lord... Can you really get me a job? Are you really able to do it?" And in the most perfect way He replied, "I can try." I knew that He didn't say it as though there was any doubt in His mind that He could, but He said it that way for me... because if He had said, "Of course I can," I would have misunderstood Him and I would have gone into hiding--ashamed that I didn't believe Him. Instead He said, "Let's go try to get you a job." (Like a Dad!) So we did! I cannot even tell you how much better it felt to have Him there with me--not that He wasn't before... I just never let myself NEED Him! It was great to need Him to help me every moment of my job search today. And I think He finally blessed me because of it. They're not super exciting jobs, but believe me... I was pretty much ready for anything. One is just a small job working concessions at the football game at EWU, and the other is working in the food stands at the airport... hopefully Starbucks starting November 28th!

I know, He's cool, huh? :)

OH MY GOODNESS! I almost forgot about this--I pretty much blacked out at this college group I went to tonight. EMBARASSING! So... what it comes down to is that I was REALLY dehydrated and I didn't know it. It was sooo hot in the room we were in and I got really dizzy and slowly felt like I was going to die. My heart was racing, I couldn't hear anything, and everything was black. It is so scary to go through that!! My friend Michelle was sitting next to me freaking out--she was talking to me but I couldn't hear her. I said, "I can't hear you--I think I'm blacking out." And I thought I had whispered it, but she said I actually said it really loud! All I could think about was how embarassing it was going to be when I was flat on my back on the ground, having to stop worship to find two guys I don't even know to carry me out of there, and everyone was going to see! Thankfully I did NOT experience the most mortifyingly embarassing moment of my entire life tonight. :) (Hey... now that I think about it, maybe I should have just passed out completely--maybe my future husband would have come and swept me off... the ground. HAHA! Maybe not.)

My date with God.

2006-09-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

God asked me if He could take me out today. He knew I was going to be near Manito Park in Spokane, so He suggested we stop by there before I came home. I thought it was a wonderful idea. It was one of the most beautiful days of the summer.

I needed to go inquire about a job I applied to, so I got dressed up (kind of), and felt very lady-like as I strolled through the beautiful gardens thanking God for romancing my heart with so many beautifully rich colors.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... the way to my heart is through flowers. So you better believe that God went straight to my heart today as He showed me this incredible display. I could feel the smile on His face as I walked around in awe and wonder at the size of the blooms and the overwhelming fragrances... He had, after all, been working on these little (some not-so-little) jewels all summer.

After getting my fill of the various shades of marigolds, dahlias, and delicious scents of the old fashioned rose garden, I found a perfect (and kind of romantic) spot to sit and enjoy the perfect summer day. This gazebo was covered in shade and with no one around to bother me. I sat for a moment and soaked in as much of the bright vibrant colors as I could. I wish I could transfer the scents through the internet. It felt wonderful to be sitting outside with God... feeling like He and I were the only ones there... spending time together totally uninterrupted. I haven't been able to do that since Florida. The air was cool, but I wasn't chilled. I could hear the bubbling sound of a nearby pond and the chk chk chk of a sprinkler. The air smelled fresh and sweet. It was quiet other than those sounds and an occassional curious bee buzzing around. This is my ideal. My heart was so free in those moments. It was exhilirating. I pulled out a book and read for a little while. I felt very pretty sitting in a gazebo among such a beautiful array of flowers in my favorite skirt--peacefully reading a book and relaxing in the day.

For a moment I took a break from reading and gazed out over the garden at people wandering around, enjoying the beauty. I dared to pretend that I was a queen and the garden belonged to me. I smiled at the thought of the families and older couples visiting my garden and taking such joy in it... and I understood a little more why God loves to delight our hearts with things we enjoy. To share His glory with us brings Him so much joy. I found myself dreaming about how fun it would be to get married in a place like this... to be in the most beautiful dress I will ever wear, with a man I will spend the rest of my life with... in a place that I find so much joy being in. It was pretty fun. :)

The book I was reading said something about how we have an immature perspective of our lives and what God is doing in them. We wonder, God, why are you doing this to me? Or, Why don't you make this happen... or do this...? I felt convicted as I recalled the number of times I have asked God questions like that... Why won't you give me a job? And Why are you making me go through this? Instead, the author challenged us to ask questions like, What are you trying to teach me from this? What do I need to learn about You from this? Is there something I'm holding on to that I need to give up? I realized my "trials" have more purpose than just making me uncomfortable and depend on God more. He is transforming my character and I so easily forget to be thankful for that.

To think... that He is transforming me into something so much more beautiful than these flowers. I just don't get it. I have been humbled many times by the Lord in the last week. I went through a small period last week where I was pretty mad at God. Without even realizing it, I had allowed my heart to become hard. I had received so much from Him, and I didn't know how to handle it. It sounds ridiculous and contradictory, but it happened. I'm not used to having such wonderful things lavished on me, and my instinct immediately told me, "You can't trust this." Its sad, I know. I became Eve all over again... I convinced myself that God was holding out on me and not giving me what I desired. I had lost sight of the fact that its not about me. God has so much to offer me that is so good and desirable, but I refused to focus on Him. Thankfully, He pulled me out of that. He has been reminding me, pretty much daily, that I need to pursue His heart more. I sat in on my roommate's Bible study last night and I was moved by one of the guy's heart for God. He is a nursing student from Kenya and has so much reverence for God. Patrick said that we need to pray more... and to pray with confidence that God want us to personally trust Him for things. We always ask other people to pray for us, but just with any other relationship, God loves it when we take our requests to him ourselves. He encouraged us to pray with confidence that God is going to answer... because He wants to. I felt like God was speaking to me through him. God also reminded me that Mary knew what was better (not Martha), and that I can't forget to sit at His feet and be with Him. So today was a wonderful day of worship... I loved enjoying God's beautiful creation with Him and feeling so pursued by Him... trusting that He is going to answer my prayers... but even if its not how I expect him to or later than I want him to, that He is still so good and I have so much reason to continue to praise His glorious name.

Who would we be if it weren't for The Battle?

2006-08-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this book called A More Elite Soldier by Chuck Holton. I originally bought it for my brother, since it seems to be a very manly book... but I started reading it and got hooked. It is about Chuck's experience being an Army Ranger and how that shaped him into the Christ-follower he is today. It is really challenging me a lot in the way I live my life. Obviously I'm not an army ranger, but I am a soldier for the Kingdom of God. I've been learning that most of the time my attitude does not reflect that. One thing that he says repeatedly throughout the books is, "The path of least resistance is usually not the best choice." That is something that we get told from the time we are little--I don't know about you, but I don't think I've ever really believed it. It always seemed like the better choice was to find the easiest way to everything. But now, from reading this book and going through what seems to be "the path of most resistance" in my own life, I am realizing that the journey--not the end--is in fact the goal. Choosing the hardest path (or sometimes getting placed there) is sometimes...no--always one of the greatest blessings we could ask for. For one, we get to experience the Savior in a completely unbelievable way, being forced to depend on Him for every little thing because we cant do it on our own. And the other is simply that our character changes! Only through the pressures of hard experiences are we refined into the jewels God made us to be. Oh, and one other purpose--it brings people together. When you are cornered into a situation where you have no choice but to cry out for help, you begin to learn how really loved you truly are, how good people really are, and an incredible unifying trust develops. A More Elite Soldier--go get it.

Of the world, or in it?

2006-08-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I went to a Christian book store today, and I picked up a book that had some title like, "1007 Lists for Living a Better Christian Life." I saw it and my jaw dropped. I picked it up and flipped through it to see if it was serious--yep, it was. I couldn't believe it. I was actually really discouraged being in that store. The Christian world of today looks exactly like the rest of world minus the swearing and with a little more fabric. My entire purpose for going in there was to find a new CD that was fresh, new, and something that would connect my heart with the Lord. I literally spent over an hour trying to find something. I was so disappointed in all the music--everything sounded the same or like it had been done before. It makes me sad... I thought that as Christians, we are supposed to offer something different to a dying world. Why would they want to get from us exactly what they can get from the world, only, quite frankly, better--more honest? I've noticed a trend within the modern Christian world. So many churches seem to be morphing into Lost-centered ministries, focusing on the needs of the Lost instead of focusing on Christ. Is it bad to notice the needs of the Lost? No... but what can we offer them if we create everything we have to be just like what they already have? Churches that look more like concert halls than sanctuaries--without a cross in site--because it makes people feel more comfortable?! Conviction is never comfortable, does that mean it's bad?! And I'm off on a tangent... I'm just really irritated with how God and Jesus get so hyped up in our modern world. Its almost like He is made into a superstar--real, but unreachable. Someone to adore, worship, love... but never someone you can actually meet, interact with, have a real relationship with. He is advertised as some kind of a remedy for us. Aren't we missing the boat, here? It is not about us. Jesus did not die so that we could realize how important we are. Yes, to Him, we are important--invaluable, worth more than anything... but really, He loves us so we can know how important, invaluable, worthy, HE is--for to Him be the glory. Eh, I'm done.

Mr. Darcy... what a guy.

2006-08-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

I watched Pride and Prejudice tonight (the new version). I love that movie. I especially adore the older A&E version, but the new one is just as enchanting (do you love my choice of words?). I have been thinking a lot about love lately, my heart, and being romanced--it probably has to do with the excess amount of time I spend alone, all the romantic movies I've been watching, and that I'm reading both Captivating and Wild At Heart right now. And maybe a tiny bit to do with the time of month (sorry guys). There was one scene in this movie that stirred up the deepest parts of my heart. Its toward the end--Elizabeth Bennett is strolling through the garden of her family's estate. Its early morning--barely light out. She has been up all night thinking about Mr. Darcy (rumor has it he's going to propose). A few moments later she sees him. He is off in the distance, surrounded by a foggy haze, walking hastily toward her--his cloak blowing behind him. (Its absolutely beautiful) This is the scene where any truly feminine heart goes crazy. He demonstrates more strength and passion, more fierce desire for Elizabeth than any other time in the movie--it is this our hearts long for. While we have seen some more subtle displays of his strength, most of his character has shown him to be a prideful, stubborn, and awkward man. He is shy in making his affections for her known. This is not what our feminine hearts long for. It is this confident, wild, passionate Mr. Darcy that comes to Elizabeth's home at the wee hours of the morning because he cannot wait a moment longer to confess his love to her that makes something deep in our hearts come alive. I think it is written deep on the heart of every woman a desire to be pursued with a fierce and devoted passion--to be such an object of one's affections. It's truly amazing the affect the strength of a man can have on a woman. Even the hardest of women cannot stay hard for long in the presence of a man whose heart accurately reflects the masculinity he was created to display. The harmony God intended for men and women is so beautiful. And of course, what does this say about our Lord?

My Lover

2006-08-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am finding myself more impressed by Him daily. He proves Himself to me in the most amazing of ways. It seems as though He loves to leave me in awe of His great power, strength, and wonder. When it looks to me as though the odds against Him could not get any greater, He comes riding through like the bravest of Kings and sweeps away any problems as if they were nothing. He loves me. Like no one else has ever loved me. Every day I wonder why, wonder if its real, if its really true. That He would be so madly and deeply in love with me. I do no deserve the steadiness of His love for me, the way that He sees no wrong in me. Every day I betray Him in my heart--there is always something I find myself tempted to long for more than Him. I am so weak and I do not come close to valuing Him the way He so greatly deserves--and yet He values me as though I am the most precious treasure to behold. His passionate love for me overwhelmes my little heart, it feels dangerous to me--risky. He wins me every day, though--and I find myself desiring, longing for more and more intimacy with Him. He whispers the softest messages into my heart: Trust me. I love you. Follow me. Wait. I am good. You are beautiful. He invites me to know something that is deeper than any natural creation... Him. He fights for me with passion and jealousy. He tenderly heals me of the most painful of wounds. He draws me out--when I am with Him I am free. My heart comes alive and I become who He longs for me to be. He allows me to experience adventure--danger, trials, hardships, the unknown--knowing that I will ask Him to come with me, and I will desperately need Him to rescue me. He is fiercely devoted to me... yet...

There remains this deep ache, this longing for someone else. Why? Why is this magnificent lover, this passionate God, not enough for me? Why does this... need--for a mate--remain? Why am I never entirely satisfied by the love of a God that I was created to love? Am I doing something wrong? Do I need to love Him more? Is my desire for someone else wrong? Do I need to make it die? It seems impossible to do. Maybe its Him again. Maybe He knows that my unmet desires will only draw Him closer to Himself, and He will continue to romance my heart in perfect ways. Maybe this ache is exactly what He wants me to feel.
--------------------
Added 10/2
I had a conversation with Andrea (my roommate) last night that gave me an answer to all these questions I've asked. It's something Grant said her--you should never feel guilty for feeling lonely. God made us for relationships. Its a real need. Its okay to desire more, its always okay.

My North Star Day

2006-08-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

I will never forget today.

I think I am going to name it "My North Star Day." It has been one of those days that stands out against all other days of my life. I will start out by giving you the most basic and brief outline of what the day was like:

I woke up jobless, broke, and needing hundreds of dollars more than what I have.

I found my car--broken into from the night before.

I'm going to bed having all my immediate financial needs taken care of.

I never would have thought I would need my car to be broken into. Even so, I'm pretty sure its what needed to happen in order for God to provide... not that people only want to help me when my car is broken into, but its what it took for me to cry out in desperate need of help.

I have been so uncertain about money the last two weeks. I have had several days where I would spend what felt like hours (probably only a few minutes every hour) weeping because I was so scared for the future and unsure of how I was going to pay for food, rent, gas, phone, etc. It was soooo good for me. I have never had to trust God more. In my times in the Word, He would repeatedly tell me to rest. He would remind me that He has chosen me and He promised to provide for me. He would tell me He loves me and desires to take care of me. Even though I could not see how He was going to provide, I was forced to take refuge in the peace He gave me every day through His Word and His Spirit. And every day I found myself provided for. I learned, above all, that I am always okay as long as I have Christ, and so to worry about anything is a waste of time. Could I have possibly predicted, even yesterday, that today God would provide completely for my needs, due in large part to the breaking-in of my car? Never. But nonetheless, that is exactly what He chose to do. I am so in awe of Him, and so thankful and honored that He would plan for me to go through what I went through these last few weeks (mostly internally), because my character has changed, my faith is so much stronger, and I know Jesus. I really know Him. He is and always will be my North Star.

To the Anonymous Commenter

2006-08-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

This is a blog. Not a website. You, too, can have this awesome "website" with the amazing "graphics." While the comments are flattering, they are also unnecessary, because I did not really design anything on this page. All I do is type into a little form, hit "Publish," and like magic, I have a beautiful website with my name on it.

Beautiful?

2006-08-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm learning the importance of appreciating and nurturing a woman's beauty. I think the more I learn about myself as a woman, who God has created me to be, and bump shoulders with other women in my life, I am discovering that the biggest mystery about women is that we are rarely loved in a way that allows us to flourish fully in the Image we were created in. More and more I am beginning to believe that beauty lies at the core of every woman's heart. I'm not sure if this is Biblical or true, its mostly just a hunch. I wonder how many women out there deeply believe they are beautiful. I am grieved by my own experience with beauty. I had somewhat of a revelation today as some of my deepest wounds came to the surface. My own dad has never in any little way appreciated or nurtured my beauty. I cannot remember one time that he told me he thought I was beautiful. The closest he has come is, "Your hair looks nice," or "That's a nice outfit." And those are far and few between. My awareness of this reality isn't new, it was how deeply I'm affected by it that sort of side-swiped me today. See, the message my dad has sent me my whole life, whether in regards to looks, school, work, cooking, or anything else, is "You aren't good enough." The interesting thing is that my mom was completely opposite. She would always tell me I was beautiful, even in my most awkward years. But I needed to hear it from my dad. So much clicked into place when I was able to link this lie to nearly every relationship and/or interaction I've had with men. Even men that I respect more than anyone else, who have valued me more than my own dad, who have demonstrated compassion, love, and kindness--I fear them. My heart feels their love for me, but it is afraid to let them really care for me. I'm afraid that if they see too much, they too will see that "I'm not good enough." I'm not worth loving. The trueness of this belief resounds in my heart as I type this. I can think of numerous times where my director asked me questions, and I nearly had an anxiety attack because I was so afraid he would see something wrong with me. I questioned my own integrity, over things any woman could have inquired about and I would have answered with complete confidence. It is no wonder I am so afraid of guys... the fear and anxiety of being "exposed" as completely unlovable--ultimately rejected--overrules any security or confidence I have in the absense of men. I feel slightly liberated having discovered this about myself, but I am also frighted, for I have no idea how to believe and experience the truth of who I am even in the presence of men.

Love the women around you, and please--make sure they know they are beautiful.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
("Held," Natalie Grant)

You say how much!

2006-07-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I'm done grieving NST. I still miss the people and Rollins College a little, but mostly I'm so excited to be back in Washington.

Cool Story: I had a yardsale this weekend. I live in the middle of nowhere, so I wasn't expecting to make much money. I did make $240, though--exactly the cost of my rent! How cool is that?

Smart Tip #1: When your cell phone rings, don't jump up and go prancing down the hallway to answer it. Especially if the floor is hardwood--you just might slip on a rug and fall flat on your face.
Smart Tip #2: If you get a rug burn on your knee from falling flat on your face while prancing down a hallway, don't put a bandaid on it. Bandaids rip skin off and make rug burns worse.

Four more days until I get to move to Spokane!

Could this be the most random blog entry ever?

Feeling a void...

2006-07-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

As Renee would say, "This is killing my soul!" I've only been home for 2 1/2 days and I already feel this huge loss. There's this huge pit of emptiness in my heart where NST belongs. Transitions are always hard for me. I hate saying goodbye and I hate welcoming new things. I'm on staff, so I guess I better get used to it. I got used to so much in my daily life that isn't there anymore. There is so much to grieve... some I'm not sure I'm ready to grieve yet. What's missing? Well...
Colleen & Renee
My Region
Thunder & Lightning & Rain
Rollins
The dock on the lake
Laughing really hard every hour of the day.
Something fun to do all the time.
Slow claps.
Evelyn (the lunch lady)
Starbucks runs.
150 people to eat every meal with.
Christ-centered people all around me... people to really talk about life with.

Whenever I go through transitions, I get a little depressed. It's like my heart always feels this little panic as it realizes what is coming in the future--usually a whole lot of unknowns--and then the realization that there's no escaping the reality of time sets in and I long to go back in time to something that is more familiar and predictable. This always happens to me. I think God wants me to learn to trust Him more through it, which I usually do... but it seems like such a long and painful process. The hardest thing about right now is that nothing feels familiar. Its not like I came home to a life I already knew. I'm moving in a week or so to a new city and my entire life is going to look so different. It's pretty terrifying. As I'm typing this I'm realizing God must have something huge in mind for me and Him, because I will need Him for so much. I don't want to give the impression that I'm hating my life, because I'm not. There is a lot I'm looking forward to. I love being on Staff, I'm really excited to live in Spokane with my great friend Andrea, and I'm hopeful for God's plan for my MPD time. The unknown just freaks me out a little!

With all that said... I still LOVE Washington, Florida is okay, but I will never miss the lizards.

Free Intervention/Therapy for NST

2006-07-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

As you can see by the picture above, everyone down here in Orlando, FL who is going through NST is starting to go a little out of their minds. It's a strange phenomena and we could really use your prayers. I've decided that I'm going to start offering under-the-table counseling for those who are beginning to realize and face their true problems. Most people are in denial that there is anything wrong, and many are quick to blame any problems on the intensity of our seminary classes, or the anxiety of MPD. However, after much observation and careful study, I have come to the conlusion that the problem isn't late night study sessions or fear of support appointments. The deeper issue is: volleyball. Yes, its strange... I know. Its one of those things you would just have to see to believe. You may be wondering how I have come up with this conclusion, as it is a very strange diagnosis. I am dishearted to tell you, however, that there are numerous symptoms that lead to my conclusion that Volleyball is, indeed, a serious Psychological problem for New Staff. I will list a few of these identifiable symptoms below:

-Nearly every free moment is spent engaging in seriously intense volleyball matches.
-Weekends are planned around volleyball tournaments--including church attendance.
-Those affected are showing concerning behaviors during class time and group meetings (including sleeping due to late nights up playing or talking volleyball, poor attention due to consumed thoughts about volleyball, drawings in notebooks of volleyballs and nets--including I HEART VOLLEYBALL, text messaging members of teams strategizing new plays for how to be the best at volleyball)
-Some have reported having repeated dreams of bumping, setting, and spiking the volleyball.
-Proclaiming to date and/or marry only those who are avid volleyball players.
-Holding late-night rallies around the Volleyball court with loud yelling and chanting.
-Socializing and developing relationships only with those who appear to support the cause of Volleyball (personally this is the most concerning symptom of all, since it displays a cultish spirit)
-Referring to volleyball as a "release" from stress and boredom.
-Social malfunctioning without Volleyball.
-Needing, wanting, desiring Volleyball at all hours of the day.
-And less obvious--becoming emotionally dependent on Volleyball to fulfill the empty places in one's heart that only God Himself can truly satisfy.

As you can see, Volleyball has become a very serious problem here at Rollins College. If you or a friend happens to be struggling with this and are seeking some professional help, please contact me or Colleen. We'd be happy to offer Therapy for you, or Intervention for a close friend. Just remember: Don't blame yourself.

Who am I?

2006-07-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

I hate nights like tonight. I am once again reminded of how glaringly broken I am. I have been so aware of it the last 2-3 months, and it is only by the grace of God and through His love (often through my friends in Christ) that I have been able to get through this period of my life without sliding into a serious pit of sadness and despair.

To clear up all the haze the words above create, I come from a really dysfunctional broken home. While I know I don't come from the worst of homes, I do know that it was bad enough that most people--especially those in Christian ministry--don't understand me or why I am the way I am. What is it like to have someone (an adult, who is older than you) who will always, always, always (to the best of their human ability) be there for you emotionally, spiritually, physically? I don't know. In all of those areas, and more, I have always been left to fend for myself. And while I have made considerable amounts of progress in the last three years in learning how to love, receive love, understand love, need love... I still feel so screwed up, and there are still so many residues from my abuse that surface at the most inconvenient times.

I'm still in Florida at New Staff Training. A bunch of people are going out to an Irish Pub to hang out. (Oooh, yep, even Christian missionaries go out to drink.) It probably sounds like fun to most people... it even sounds a little fun to me, but I can't go. I grew up living with an alcoholic mother, and unless you have had an acoholic parent, you could never understand how painful it is to live with it. I grew up hating alcohol and distrusting anything and everyone who had anything to do with it (yep, including my entire family). So, now that we finally have a free night to relax and have fun, what does everyone want to do? Go to a place where I can't go. Why can't I go there? If it isn't obvious, 1) I won't be able to trust anyone who I see there who is drinking (even if they're not drunk), 2) I will go into shame mode--something that happens to people when they are faced with an experience that they don't know how to handle (to put it briefly)--and I will basically act like I am 11 years old again and I won't be able to function normally at all, 3) I'll feel like I was neary beat to death, 4) I would probably start crying, or worse, completely shut down and be miserable until I could leave.

In no way am I trying to sound bitter, angry, or whiny. I'm hurting. I'm not upset about the fact that people are going out (maybe a little jealous). I don't think they're wrong in what they're doing. I wouldn't want them to change their plans for me. I am simply grieving the fact that, because of sin, I have been wounded in a way that prevents me from being free to experience an aspect of life that God intended to be enjoyed.

With that said, I believe that I won't be here forever. I believe God can heal my heart, bring me freedom, and transform me to be more like Him... it took me a long time to get this way, though, and it will probably take me a long time to be different. Until I do see the fullness of God's glory in this area of my life, please pray that I would be able to receive the peace and the grace He has for me right now, and that I would believe the truth that I am secure in Christ and my identity is valuable because of Him. Because even as I type these words, I doubt that truth. I question why God would use a beat up, bruised, scared, screwed up kid like me when there are so many normal kids to choose from.

Flo yeah Ri yeah Da yeah

2006-07-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

Things about Florida and NST I won't miss:
-Creepy little lizards that jump and multiply like crazy.
-Rain every day.
-Cheerleaders in the dining hall.
-Waking up at 6:30 am.
-Arctic air conditioning.
-Orlando public transportation.
-Frizzy hair.
-Sweat all the time.
-Eastern Standard Time.
-The shared dorm bathrooms.

Things about Florida and NST I will miss:
-Warm weather every day--even if its raining, and never unbearably hot.
-Disneyworld.
-158 awesome children of God.
-Living next to a lake.
-Starbucks within 5 minutes walking distance.
-Laughing so hard every day with Colleen and Renee.
-Fulfilling my purpose as Colleen's official drink holder.
-Panera
-Hanging out with my region & Bob and Cas Monaco every day.

(This will probably be continued.)

Did we just see that?

2006-07-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

If you ever attend NST you'll learn that there are many interesting things to see. For example:

Bob, our HR director and BSM coach, couldn't figure out how to make the screen go up. What do you do with such a problem? Just pick up the screen and set it on top that shelf thing it hangs from. Problem solved.

If you weren't aware, a space shuttle was launched from the coast of Florida today. When else are we going to get an opportunity to see a space shuttle launched? Several of us gathered in the lounge of our dorm to catch it on TV and hope to see a glimpse of it out the windows. About 30 seconds after the official launch, the entire room was tense with anticipation for it to fly across our view. Someone shouted, "Oh! There it is!" The entire room practically lunged toward the window shouting, "Where?! Where?!"

It was a plane.

We did, however, get to see it... but it was way less exciting than the plane.

The last note I have to make for today is that nothing celebrates the birth of your country like an "Acapella" version of God Bless the USA with the words, "God Bless the USA" by "Acapella" and a picture of some fireworks displayed up on the Big Screen.

Okay. I'll admit it. I'm a sinner.

2006-07-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Colleen and I got in trouble for cheating today. I think its so funny and ironic that we're at New Staff Training with Campus Crusade for Christ, and we were accused of plagiarism on our "Attributes of God" project. We did work together on it, and maybe some of our answers were the same, word for word... but plagiarism? I guess we're not very good Christians. Thankfully, we're in a "different setting" where its "okay" to plagiarize "one time" without "being in trouble." Ahahahaha. I would just like to say that I am working in the best region in the world. We love each other... sure, we come from the darkest area in the U.S., we're surrounded by liberals, hippies, and granolas, we'd prefer to wear jeans and a t-shirt every day over stilletos (I don't even know how to spell that) and a sequined top, but we're authentic. Today we all (well most of us), squeezed around the biggest table in the dining area for lunch. Bob wouldn't let me leave when I was finished because he was certain more would show up and he wanted us to all be together. This week the gals from the region are going to go get manicures and pedicures--yay! (Maybe we're mountain-folk, but we still know how to be girly!) They might to be saying it, but I know everyone else looks on us with envy. We'll gladly take you... please, please come join our region.

New Staff Training

2006-07-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have been in Orlando for a week and a half now. I'm having fun with the people who are here, especially getting to know those from my region better. But I'll be glad when this part of my summer is over. Its a lot of work and very exhausting. It must be that "homesick" phase that happens after everything new and exciting has passed. The hardest part for me, I think, is not feeling like the days are structured in a way conducive to building relationships. Thankfully Cas and Bob Monaco are our HR directors and are doing a great job of that in our Bible Study Methods course and with our region. Outside of that its sort of like High school all over again... maybe one step up. I was never very good at this sort of thing in high school, and apparently I'm still not. I'm thankful for Colleen--I don't even want to think about how lonely I would feel if she wasn't here. This is definitely the most pessimistic I have felt the entire time I've been here. For the most part it has been a truly enjoyable experience. I'm just tired and emotional... and a little hungry. I'm definitely excited about my job placement. I'll be doing Catalytic (basically I'm a "traveling staff person") ministry in Montana, and working a lot with NATIONS, which is the ministry for Native Americans. I'm excited about my new staff team--to meet them and work with them. I really feel as if God custom made this placement just for me. Its wonderful. I'm also getting excited about the good possibility that I will get to live with my good friend Andrea in Spokane next year while I am raising support. Its mixed with a little anxiety, though. I'm very poor, almost broke... I'll need to find a job, start making payments, and start raising support very soon, and it makes me nervous. Worry is like poison. It makes it impossible to enjoy anything good. I should be so excited and joyful and trusting God, since He provides so perfectly for me... but nope, somehow I always think its up to me.